Drunk with Assistant Managerial Power, Part II

When the group is all going out to lunch together, I purposefully make sure I'm the last one to meet in the lobby before we leave. I just like to imply that I'm the most important in our group.

Because you were curt with me, I'll wait until you've already started steaming the milk to tell you I want my latte iced.

Normally I'd let you return that item without a receipt, but I won't because that girl from Housewares is standing here.

I'd like to screw you tonight, too, but I won't because of that crack you made about my cooking.

I'm going to finish my part of the project way ahead of schedule, at great personal inconvenience, just to make you look like a slacker.

I was a little late to the meeting myself, but I'll still make you feel bad for keeping me waiting.

I will act as if I've never had car trouble when you call into work explaining yours.

Drunk with Assistant Managerial Power

Having spent this past week at a conference for work, I am reminded of how ludicrously specialized these things can be and how inundated they are with big fish in little ponds. But what's worse is when conferences find themselves pressed for presenters or panelists. This creates a different problem: moderately sized fish in little ponds. I hate these fish. These fish have something to prove. They need for you to recognize their abilities and accomplishments.

"I pioneered that listserv group in my county."

"The presentation I'm going to give on Friday will revolutionize the way we prepare for our periodic standards reviews."

"Here's my business card, but don't lose it! I don't give it out easily." (Note: And don't these people mean "readily"?)

"There's a great secret to surviving a performance evaluation, and you don't have to go to the Him-all-yas to get it. I'm going to tell you and save you the trip." (I swear to God that's how he said Himalayas. I swear it.)

You know what all of these statements were really saying?

Please recognize my station at this conference.

Maybe I really do underestimate the power of people's fear of public speaking. Maybe I undervalue the honor associated with being asked to sit on a Q&A panel at a specialized conference. Maybe I'm just being bitchy.

But I promise you this: the next person who tells me how important they are is going to get punched in the throat.