Dodge, Weave, Weave

I am to be held responsible for my financial downfall.

I had always found a way to make my ends meet. I have always been employed, or at least otherwise funded.

I should have paid more attention when I began to fall behind. I should have answered the phone when calls for payment first began coming in. I should have spent that last $30 on gas and an oil change rather than on dinner and a last ditch attempt to have a real date with you.

I am to be held responsible for my declining health and expanding waistline.

I had never been a slim woman, but I had never paid my health or weight much mind. I have always enjoyed my life casually.

I should have started looking in the mirror when that first pair of pants didn’t fit. I should have made the time to use the gym I paid for for over a year. I should have noticed I was happy after a cheeseburger.

I am to be held responsible for my tendency to attack in an argument.

I had always known it would make you retreat. I have often wished I could exercise the sort of patience in the moment that I regard so highly ten minutes later.

I should have exercised more patience when we argued. I should have been thinking about the sort of environment I wanted us to exist in and not about saying what was self-gratifying in that instant. I should have noticed when I began to attack you more often than I elicited from you.

I am to be held responsible for my inconsistency.

I had always been there for friends, willing to take calls at any time. I have always regarded my friends as high priorities in my life, second only to my family.

I should have kept in better contact with everyone when things got sour. I should have reached out for a friendly voice more often, especially when I realized I had made a mistake. I should have let my friends be better friends to me, like they had let me be to them.

I am to be held responsible for my willingness to believe in her three times, even though none of her promises ever came to fruition.

I had always been more of a cynic than a humanitarian, so I still do not understand why I was so take by her proposals. I have always thought critically about people and their words, even those close to me.

I should have learned the first time not to trust the second. I should have learned the second time not to believe the third. I should have questioned the third time if it was prudence or pride that keeps me saying it’ll all work out.

I am to be held responsible for my inconsistency.

I had been so frustrated for so long, I threw you out before I calmed down. I have tried to tell you in so many ways, but have only shown you in a few.

I should have waited another day, not because it was the wrong decision but because it was the wrong way. I should have stared with the things I still love rather than lead with the things I will not stand. I should have waited until I didn’t want another kiss goodnight.

Box clever, I am.

11:47 PM :: ::

2 Comments:

• *long hug*
  
  You will be okay. I love you.

  By  b.i.t., at 11/10/06 10:08  

• I hope you are doing better.

  By  wonderer, at 13/11/06 12:39  

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