Is It Something I Said?

First, I need to have a child. I must admit this is an abhorrent thought to me, but all things may, under the correct circumstances, be a means to an end. I must rear this child until it is prepared to speak, much as if I cared whether it lived or died. It is only when the child is of age to begin meaningful interactions with others that it will be of the least use.

Once the child is able to speak, the training will begin. I want a child that only exists within the realm of television commercial reality.

If I drop a dozen eggs on the kitchen floor -

"Mom, it looks like you need this new Swiffer Upright Wet Jet disposable mop!"

If I get into a fender bender on the highway -

"Uh-oh! It looks like we need Anderson, Anderson, Louie, and Frank, the automobile accident discount lawyers!"

If I have to buy a car -

"The new Toyota Miracular has the highest safety rating in its class and it comes with a $3000 cash rebate at signing! Plus, it'll be perfect for when I've got a soccer game!"

It is of the utmost importance that the child be trained to speak in this manner all the time. Even when in public. Especially when in public. When met by the looks of confused or horrified adults, I will shake my head and remark, "Damn TV generation."

Over time, I will be able to sell the rights to the child to some media firm, providing them with the human embodiment of advertisement. The child will eliminate the need for 90% of commercial writers; the remaining 10% of advertisements that attempt to "be innovative" by selling socks by showing ten middle-aged men playing tag on a lawn like children. However, the majority of advertisers will be able to utilize this child. No longer needing writers, nor needing to hire child actors, media firms will be able to drastically minimize the cost of commercial production. I will reap enormous benefits. As my child grows in popularity, I will be able to live off its profits like the stage moms of old. As the child grows older, it will be able to fill older demographics in advertisements - beginning with bubble bath and toy commercials, it will move on to microwave-safe snack foods and board games, finally peaking in its teens with acne creams and abstinence public service announcements.

A lifetime as an advertisement whore coupled with the realization that the child's entire fortune has been masterfully siphoned out of its name and into mine, the child will turn to drugs in its later teens, slowly and sadly self-destructing. Ultimately, it will overdose and die shamefully, likely in the arms of some other ruined child actor. Naturally, with a television star for a child, I will have a hefty insurance policy in place.

At this point, my dreams will begin to come true. In the wake of my child's untimely and tragic death, the book and movie deals will begin to pour in. I will sell my child's story to all the major networks; I will allow the networks to create as much hype and scandal as they please. The same will go for book deals; I will authorize as many biographies as come in. Moreover, I will pen my own memoirs, recounting how much I loved my child and almost died of grief when it turned to drugs. With all the attention, I will finally be invited to be a guest on Oprah.

Now, of course, an audience with Oprah Winfrey herself is not something to be taken lightly. This is when I will have to unleash the big guns. Despite everything that I have confessed in my memoirs, it will be on Oprah that I finally admit, to the world and myself, that I have always blamed myself for my child's destructive behavior and death.

My child always wanted to be on television. I didn't want to become one of those mothers who force their child into pageants. And I never wanted my child to be a phony, like most child actors. I wanted the work my child did in commercials to be completely natural, so that it would never have to confuse reality from fantasy, so that it would always be in its own reality. I just wanted the best for it....I just wanted the best....

My memoir will be part of Oprah's Book List. I will inspire Oprah to join with me in creating a philanthropic foundation to protect and educate children in the arts. Through this organization, I will be able to work with the world's leading artists. These contacts, over time, will allow me to have access to the world's most prolific agents and promotors. Ultimately, my writing career will take off, as well as my work as a performance artist. My performances, book signings, and lectures will double as fund raisers for the organization. Oprah and I will be come lucrative business partners; with time, we will become friends.

Is all of this so much to ask to befriend one of the most powerful and humanitarian women on the planet?