Is It Something I Said?

First, I need to have a child. I must admit this is an abhorrent thought to me, but all things may, under the correct circumstances, be a means to an end. I must rear this child until it is prepared to speak, much as if I cared whether it lived or died. It is only when the child is of age to begin meaningful interactions with others that it will be of the least use.

Once the child is able to speak, the training will begin. I want a child that only exists within the realm of television commercial reality.

If I drop a dozen eggs on the kitchen floor -

"Mom, it looks like you need this new Swiffer Upright Wet Jet disposable mop!"

If I get into a fender bender on the highway -

"Uh-oh! It looks like we need Anderson, Anderson, Louie, and Frank, the automobile accident discount lawyers!"

If I have to buy a car -

"The new Toyota Miracular has the highest safety rating in its class and it comes with a $3000 cash rebate at signing! Plus, it'll be perfect for when I've got a soccer game!"

It is of the utmost importance that the child be trained to speak in this manner all the time. Even when in public. Especially when in public. When met by the looks of confused or horrified adults, I will shake my head and remark, "Damn TV generation."

Over time, I will be able to sell the rights to the child to some media firm, providing them with the human embodiment of advertisement. The child will eliminate the need for 90% of commercial writers; the remaining 10% of advertisements that attempt to "be innovative" by selling socks by showing ten middle-aged men playing tag on a lawn like children. However, the majority of advertisers will be able to utilize this child. No longer needing writers, nor needing to hire child actors, media firms will be able to drastically minimize the cost of commercial production. I will reap enormous benefits. As my child grows in popularity, I will be able to live off its profits like the stage moms of old. As the child grows older, it will be able to fill older demographics in advertisements - beginning with bubble bath and toy commercials, it will move on to microwave-safe snack foods and board games, finally peaking in its teens with acne creams and abstinence public service announcements.

A lifetime as an advertisement whore coupled with the realization that the child's entire fortune has been masterfully siphoned out of its name and into mine, the child will turn to drugs in its later teens, slowly and sadly self-destructing. Ultimately, it will overdose and die shamefully, likely in the arms of some other ruined child actor. Naturally, with a television star for a child, I will have a hefty insurance policy in place.

At this point, my dreams will begin to come true. In the wake of my child's untimely and tragic death, the book and movie deals will begin to pour in. I will sell my child's story to all the major networks; I will allow the networks to create as much hype and scandal as they please. The same will go for book deals; I will authorize as many biographies as come in. Moreover, I will pen my own memoirs, recounting how much I loved my child and almost died of grief when it turned to drugs. With all the attention, I will finally be invited to be a guest on Oprah.

Now, of course, an audience with Oprah Winfrey herself is not something to be taken lightly. This is when I will have to unleash the big guns. Despite everything that I have confessed in my memoirs, it will be on Oprah that I finally admit, to the world and myself, that I have always blamed myself for my child's destructive behavior and death.

My child always wanted to be on television. I didn't want to become one of those mothers who force their child into pageants. And I never wanted my child to be a phony, like most child actors. I wanted the work my child did in commercials to be completely natural, so that it would never have to confuse reality from fantasy, so that it would always be in its own reality. I just wanted the best for it....I just wanted the best....

My memoir will be part of Oprah's Book List. I will inspire Oprah to join with me in creating a philanthropic foundation to protect and educate children in the arts. Through this organization, I will be able to work with the world's leading artists. These contacts, over time, will allow me to have access to the world's most prolific agents and promotors. Ultimately, my writing career will take off, as well as my work as a performance artist. My performances, book signings, and lectures will double as fund raisers for the organization. Oprah and I will be come lucrative business partners; with time, we will become friends.

Is all of this so much to ask to befriend one of the most powerful and humanitarian women on the planet?

The Rules of My Game

WANTED: Illustrator/programmer for new RPG game, Somebody; game should be in style of Final Fantasy or Kingdom Hearts series; previous experience preferred but not necessary; sample of work must be submitted with application

SYNOPSIS: Kyle is a tall, lanky fifteen year old boy with bad hair. Last year, Kyle spent most of his time hiding from the town's band of miscreants: Frankie (a tubby dullard with unwashed black curls), Jackson (a short, stupid looking boy who has the habit of saying, "There's a ditch with your name on it"), Morton (the group's muscle-man, though they rarely say his name aloud for fear of his wrath; in truth, he is perfectly comfortable with his name), and Olivia (a long-haired redhead who would just as soon kick an old woman in the mouth than wear anything other than jeans and an ill-fitting t-shirt). Kyle was so traumatized by his frequent beatings and tauntings by the gang that his parents sent him to a camp for the summer so that he could find himself. This camp taught Kyle how to identify the destructive behaviors that others around him were engaging in and armed him with the tools to protect himself and develop his own identity. Unfortunately, Kyle has also learned how to use his enemies' weapons against them....

This year, Kyle has vowed to stand up to his tormentors, as well as enlist as many new friends as possible in his crusade against psychological cruelty. However, Kyle was not anticipating meeting with resistance from some of the most respectable people in town. The town's mayor, Mayor Lanson, feels that Kyle should not be so analytical and enjoy his childhood; Mayor Lanson often interferes and outright prevents Kyle's actions. Kyle's parents are also displeased with Kyle's new take on life; they feel that he has become manipulative and presumptuous with adults, often providing unqualified psychoanalysis to their friends at dinner parties. And Kyle can't prove it, but it seems that every time he turns a corner, there's the shadow of another school counselor....

Join Kyle has he tries to improve the world one psyche at a time. But can he spread healing without succumbing to an unhealthy psychological worldview himself?

GAMEPLAY: The battle system for this game is unlike traditional RPGs. It will have a turn based battle style, much like the Final Fantasy series. However, although actions taken during battle will decide the winner, the repercussions of the battle actions last well beyond the battle itself. For example, during a battle, Momentary Guilt may be cast against an opponent. This casting may cause enough Hit Point (HP) damage to cause the opponent to lose the battle; in this respect, the battle system is much like any other RPG. However, once normal gameplay has resumed, the damage done by Momentary Guilt to the player's Psychological Points (PP) may cause the actions and options available to that character to be altered. If PP becomes impaired, a character may no longer be able to bring him or herself to ask a stranger at an Item Shop for assistance; the character may instead be forced to shop only at a local Item Shop where they feel more comfortable.

The use of PP is the signature element of Somebody, and its most significant effect on gameplay is its long range implications on game options. In some instances, it may be impossible to continue a given mission simply because a character's PP does not allow them to cope with the requirements of that mission. It should be noted that PP is a double-edged sword. A character's PP can be damaged through a battle sequence, as described above. However, a character's PP can also be damaged by inflicting too many Psychological spells on his opponents.

For instance, if a character relies too heavily on casting Persistent Low Self Esteem, it will begin to affect his own PP as his own need to damage others becomes a shield for his own insecurities; bullying is as damaging to the bully as it is to his victim. For example, Kyle may battle Frankie and Olivia on a bus. When Frankie initiates battle by taunting Kyle, Kyle can respond with a Single Handed Shove or a Two Finger Shoulder Push if he is at Level 2. However, Kyle has substantially less physical strength than most players, and this course of action will only serve to further battle. Level 2 Kyle can then cast Conduct Disorder on Olivia, which will lower her HP during the battle; it will also reduce her PP during battle, causing her to lash out at Frankie, particularly when Frankie's attacks fail to inflict much damage on Kyle. However, after the battle, Olivia's PP will continue to drop, making her willful and difficult with her friends, increasing the likelihood that she will be unhelpful in future battles. Unfortunately, casting Conduct Disorder too often will also decrease Kyle's PP when he is not in battle. In this situation, Kyle will develop a sinister nature, having prompted so many others into bad behavior. This will make Kyle less trustworthy at first glance and, therefore, shopkeepers will raise prices when he attempts to make purchases. Also, strangers in town will be less willing to provide him with clues and free items to help him along the way.

The following are a list of spells and actions available to characters within Somebody:

ICY PSYCH SPELLS: Freezes ability to cope psychologically
Level 1 Embarrassment
Level 2 Shame
Level 3 Momentary Guilt
Level 4 Lasting Guilt
Level 5 Hellish Introspection

FIERY PSYCH SPELLS: Burns up sense of self worth, leaving only the husk of a man
Level 1 Self Doubt
Level 2 Insecurity
Level 3 Persistent Low Self Esteem
Level 4 Self Loathing
Level 5 Depressive Suicide

THUNDEROUS PSYCH SPELLS: Shocks personality into meltdown
Level 1 Irritation
Level 2 Minor Frustration
Level 3 Debilitating Frustration
Level 4 Incapacitating Frustration
Level 5 Sudden Aneurism

WINDY PSYCH SPELLS: Blows sanity away like a Tibetan sand painting
Level 1 Borderline Personality Disorder
Level 2 Conduct Disorder
Level 3 Bipolar Disorder
Level 4 Institutionalized Depression
Level 5 Catatonic Schizophrenia

PHYSICAL ATTACKS:
Level 1 Two-Finger Shoulder Push
Level 2 Single-Handed Shove
Level 3 Double-Handed Shove
Level 4 Groin Kick
Level 5 Face Punch

HEALTHY PSYCH SPELLS:
Level 1 Compliment
Level 2 Positive Reinforcement
Level 3 Nurturing Environment
Level 4 Group Therapy
Level 5 Permanent Support Web